Vadimus

Extreme Emotional Sensitivity

Thu, 19 Jan 2023 00:00:00 +0000

I was just watching an interview by Russell Howard with Jordan Peterson and he mentioned something that really hit home.

It’s well known that he went through a period of depression but I’ve never heard him describe it in so much detail in previous interviews. He speaks about how he was extremely sensitive to sensory inputs, to the point where he couldn’t listen to music because it affected him so much. I immediately recognised this as something that changed in me after my friend Amber died in 2016. There are many more things that overwhelm me with emotion since that happened, from music to films to any depiction of people experiencing great joy.

The Empty Theatre

Fri, 24 Sep 2021 00:00:00 +0100

I like empty theatres, before the cast, the crew and the audience arrive. The gathering of chairs assembled to take in the majestic stage. The lights, poised to illuminate the magic as it happens.

There’s an eeriness to the feeling of walking down the aisle, footsteps on the carpet mutedly echoing around the vast empty space in which people will later experience another world. Arriving at the stage the clicks of my shoes resonate off the lofty ceiling as I climb the seven wooden steps to the apron.

My Reaction Was Instinct

Wed, 15 Sep 2021 00:00:00 +0100

It was an insignificant dose, but I couldn’t see past what they were. I don’t need these; I don’t take these, so why was I holding two packs of them, enough for two months?

It comes down to my feet. I have type II diabetes and my feet are starting to become very numb. I can hold my big toes in my fingers and not feel it in my big toes. Uh-oh. I called my GP for a podiatry referral which he happily arranged, and then he suggested I start taking a pill to slow the progress of the numbness. Ok, fine, I can do that.

It Didn’t Seem Like Much At The Time

Wed, 13 Jan 2021 00:00:00 +0000

It didn’t seem like much at the time; it never seemed like much at the time, but the effects were cumulative. I didn’t notice the gradual withering away of any sense of self-worth, and it seemed like nobody else did either.

I don’t know when the depression started. I don’t know why it wasn’t identified. I don’t like thinking about how my life might be different had it been treated early on. I don’t like feeling that it’s not possible to undo it at this late stage.

A conversation you regret not having

Thu, 09 Jul 2020 00:00:00 +0100

I’m a coward, especially when it comes to putting myself out there. This is probably not news to anyone who knows me. For as long as I can remember the idea of presenting myself to others, explicitly or implicitly asking them to judge me has filled me with a paralysing dread.

As you may imagine this leads to many possible answers to this question, most of which are excruciatingly embarrassing, though probably not as embarrassing as the opposite question - that may be one for another, braver, version of myself to answer.

A moment of forgiveness

Mon, 06 Jul 2020 00:00:00 +0100

I can’t believe she left me.

I don’t have a right to expect her to always be here but i wasn’t ready for this.

She was outwardly so confident she wouldn’t leave, but I knew she was scared. We were all scared. Some of us still are.

I am.

This is not about her of course, not really. She faced the hand fate dealt her with such amazing grace and determination I was in awe. I was so proud of her, whether I have any right to be or not. She was a model cancer patient if ever there was one and certainly didn’t deserve what happened. I miss her so much.